TOP 10 WAYS YOUR TODDLER IS SIMILAR TO A DRUNK.

1. Mumbles in complete gibberish.

2. Gets louder when she doesn't get her way.

3. Start fights if you tell her to behave.

4. Food never quite makes it to her mouth.

5. Falls over every 5 seconds.

6. Holds on to any poll like structure.

7. Waves to all random strangers.

8. Pees and poops herself without any guilt.

9. Always tries to make it to your bed.

10. Has no concept of how late it is.

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TOP 10 THINGS I DREAD.

1. That you will have an ordinary life.

2. That you will become sick...ever...even with a flu.

3. That you will not marry for love.

4. That you will shop for expensive designer clothes and care about your "status"

5. That you will be gorgeous and stuck up on yourself...or just stuck up on yourself.

6. That you and me will have nothing to talk about.

7. That someone will mistreat you.

8. That you will get addicted to something or someone.

9. That you will be closed minded.

10. That there ever be even a moment that you doubt my love for you.

TOP 10 REASONS "16 AND PREGNANT" REUNION DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH "DON'T GET PREGNANT" MESSAGE

After watching "16 and pregnant" reunion on MTV last night, I imagined all kinds of rebelling teenage girls with boy-friends who are just "too big" for condoms, say to their parents "See, it's not so bad" and here is why:

1. Dr. Drew (host of the show) was creepy in every possible way and looked like someone's uncle with teenage porn collection.

2. 90 minutes of out of my ass awkwardness felt like glorified sex ed class.

3. ALL the girls from the show looked better than BEFORE they gave birth.

4. ALL the girls from the show were still with their boyfriends. Yes, because THAT happens all the time.

5. 2 of them were engaged and one was MARRIED.

6. One that had no boy-friend in the picture looked great and had a mother who I am sure gets up with the kid in the middle of the night. How else would she look this good?

7. One girl actually proclaimed that having a baby at 16 made her try harder and get her career off the ground faster.

8. They all cooed about how deliciously cute their babies are.

9. One of them mentioned that she had a fantastic time at her PROM while being 9 months pregnant.

10. By the end of the show, I was actually feeling sorry for the couple of 16 year olds that gave their baby up for an adoption, because they were not in on all the "I had a baby at 16" delirious fun.

Next time MTV, get it right. All you have to say to a teenager is "You will never sleep soundly or pass 7am ever again". THAT should make them get a condom.:)

TOP 10 THINGS I AM COMING TO TERMS WITH.

1. No matter how little I eat or how much I run, I will always look about 4 months pregnant.

2. My husband will only get hotter with age as I will progressively wrinkle, sag and scare teenage boys.

3. I will never have to set my alarm clock ever again.

4. Due to my deprived communist childhood, I actually like watching kid's shows. (still can't stand Barney thou)

5. The guy from Blue's Clues is kind of hot.

6. I know "Good night moon" by heart and hum tunes from Baby Einstein videos.
6 1/2. I just had to google "einstein" to see how to spell it.

7. My daughter will hate me one day if only for a while.

8. I have it so much easier than MY mother did.

9. I rather be home with my tiny family than out doing pretty much anything else.

10. One day her teacher will say "I need to speak to your mother"...and it will be ME.

TOP 10 REASONS YOU TURNING ONE KICKED ASS.

1. Your grown up party with grapes hanging down, amazing band playing and you and me slow dancing.

2. Next morning you gave me your first real "both arms tight around my neck", "I really mean it" hug.

3. Immediately  after that we quietly sat on the couch and watched cartoons for the whole 15 minutes straight. WE were simply "hanging out".

4. You said "duck" or was it "f**k? 

5. Your eyes got a little bit wiser. I can't explain it, but they are just a little bit "sadder" than a week ago.

6. No more formula. You drink milk like a regular human.

7. Binky is firmly getting replaced by your blanket.

8. Two days ago I saw you TRY to pick your own nose. That's MY girl.

9. You reached for your dad's beer.

10. After watching "baby" footage of you last night, I didn't cry. I just thought "Man, this one year old thing is soooo much better."

TOP 10 EVENTS THAT MADE A GREAT IMPACT ON MY LIFE SO FAR

1. Your birth.

2. Fall of the communism. (yes, in that order):)

3. Immigrating to America.

4. Meeting your father.

5. Moving to New York.

6. My mother meeting you for the first time.

7. 9/11

8. Traveling abroad.

9. First time seeing our documentary with an audience.

10. Watching Luciano Pavarotti's live.

TOP 10 THINGS I WISH I CAN DO WELL SO I CAN TEACH YOU.

1. Speak French. 

It looks like your whole entire face changes when you speak french. Your cheeks sunk in, your mouth pucker up, you purr like a little velvet kitten.  Plus, you will be able to to make everyone else feel like an idiot when you order at a french restaurant.

2. Dance.

I don't mean "3am, just finished a bottle of wine, Britney Spears "Toxic" is on" kind of dancing. I mean Argentinean tango.

3. Play an instrument.

Something sad and beautiful like cello.

4. Drive a car.

Man, does your mother suck. There should be a national emergency warning when I am on the road. Thank God I live in New York City.

5. Draw.

I am insanely jealous of anyone who can draw more than Mr. Potato Head. No matter how creative I get trying to draw a person, they always end up looking like a snowman or a lamp post.

6. Cook with exotic spices.

Preferably something so exotic that I have to sunk in my cheeks and pucker up my lips to pronounce it. Salt - no, pepper - no, marjoram - oui.

7. Fly a plane.

Yes, I know...for no other reason aside from "How cool is that?"

8. Public speaking.

I've always been able to make an emotional statement about something I care about. What I am talking about is carrying a speech Barack Obama style. Composed, collected, cool.

9. Be good with money.

I wish I knew about all the 401K and investments, so our $20 saving will make it's way from underneath the mattress.

10. Be an amazing parent.

The one that people write stupid Oprah about. You know with unlimited patience, constantly great attitude, completely selfless. The one that can keep you entertained with a piece of paper for an hour and sing you self composed lullabies.

Instead, you got me...

  

TOP 10 REASONS "THE SUMMER BELONGS TO THE CHILDREN"

1. Ice Cream truck.

2. Sleeping in a tent in the backyard.

3. Chalk drawing.

4. Puddle jumping.

5. Summer Camp.

6. Outside swimming pool.

7. Bugs.

8. Fireworks.

9. First bike.

10. Sand burial.

Please feel free to add your favorites...